I hate to admit it but I am struggling with feelings of envy. Not envious over material wealth, or success, or beauty, or even popularity. But green with envy over others’ health, vitality and freedom to live their lives unencumbered by physical limitations. Just seeing someone run or bike by without a seeming care in the world evokes a longing I never knew I had. Health and fitness were absolute givens in my previous life. Never thought twice about them. Now I have to measure how much dizziness, headachiness and energy I have to engage in the simplest task. To be honest I feel trapped inside a body that has staged a revolution and become an adversary. Soooo foreign to me. Always loved and cherished the physical me that housed my soul. David kinda nailed down my torn feelings in his 55th Psalm.

“For it is not an enemy who taunts me, Then I could endure it; Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, Then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, My companion and my confidant; We who had sweet fellowship together, Walked in the house of God among the commotion.” Turncoat body!

So God, Divine Reconciler, I need a reconciliation session with my physical me. Gentle-ize my acceptance of the reality of who I am right now. Limitations and all. Doesn’t mean I will be stuck here forever. Just means I need to befriend the weakness and wimpiness as part of my healing process in the moment. And the envy piece? Hmmm… I guess it could be dealt with by increasing my love for others so that I have genuine joy in their foot-loose and fancy-freeness. But that’s a “You job” though, so enlarge my heart to embrace that kind of love.