I guess if I’m going to be honest about this cancer journey I must process my disturbing thoughts as well as my victories. Yesterday was an ambush of despair. Had to make an unexpected trip to my oncologist’s office to get meds for the eruptions of lesions in the soft tissues of my body. During that visit I decided I needed to interrogate a seasoned oncology nurse as to what my potential trek through cancer might look like. (Gutsy for the truth or glutton for pain?) Her: “See it as a chronic disease that you will have to deal with the rest of your life. Barring a miracle from God it isn’t going away. Like any chronic disease you will have to learn to live within its limitations and discomforts that the treatment brings with it.” Me: “What happens if I decide the treatment is worse than the disease itself and choose to let it take its course? How long would I live?” Her: “3-12 months, depending on how aggressive the tumors are.” YIKES! I asked for it… Part of me gravitated to this assuring verse that saying “adios” to this body is saying “aloha” to the Lord, so it wasn’t fear as much as serene acceptance that swept my body. The other part of me picked up a bullhorn and began shouting, “Wimp! You are giving up too easily! What’s a little discomfort for an extended stay here on earth with your loved ones? Buck up and get a grip!” Caught between those two conflicting pulls, the tears poured from my eyes. Paul wrestled with these same conflicting longings from his prison cell in Philippians 1. “I long to escape this painful world and be with You Jesus, BUT if You have more plans for me in this earthly abode, I’ll stick around.” Ditto Lord. “My times are in Your hands”… so just show me how to navigate that on a moment to moment basis.